MM2S044: Season 3, Episode 14
By: Ken Boone My love/hate relationship with church goes back farther than the time my mother switched religions, taking us along from the ride to a place where my entire life took a left turn. It seems she wasn't the first person in my family to make, what I'm calling, a major lifestyle switch. My Grandfather switched careers from education to the ministry after surviving a lynching attempt in the early 20th century. Or so the story goes. This is one of many family secrets that hid in the shadows for decades, leaving most of the members scarred and our developments stunted. It was like we were in a race to mediocrity! At least on my mother's side. I know little about my father's side. Speaking of my biological father, he used my mother's denomination change as the reason their marriage failed. For many, many years, I believed him. Then I came to find out that he just wanted out. New York City was just too big for him, so he went back to North Carolina. That was a family secret as well. It was that there he lived his best life, with a wife, more kids, and people who admired him. Although the religion thing played a role in my parent's, it was just a minor glitch in a doomed relationship. I will say, that for all of my mother's list of virtues, she came from a pious, yet dysfunctional family, starting with Grandpa. Yeah him! And because of him, my family has a long history of displaying great talent and promise in their early years, only to flip the switch and settle into the comfort of mediocrity. Why? Secrets! So, let's shake the family tree and see what falls out! Before we go any further down this road, I have to tell you that I'll be speaking in generalities. While I know a lot of the damage my family members suffered, their stories aren't mine to tell. Any examples and/or anecdotes will come from my experiences. I learned that from my 12-Step friends. 5 Reasons Why Keeping Family Secrets Could be Harmful (psychcentral.com) While keeping a family secret from the outside world may be advisable in some instances for privacy or protection, keeping secrets within the family can prove problematic. Here are five reasons why:
Another fallout from keeping secrets underachievement! Underachievers, low achievers and "society drop-outs " typically came from a family in which their biological father was not present, either due to single motherhood or re-marriage. And if the father is present, they tend to be cold and very supportive. They can also be difficult, if not impossible to please. What do we call families who experience outcomes like the ones above? Dysfunctional! We'll take a deep dive into that label in another episode. Did it tick me off when I learned that my seemingly perfect little family was in fact dysfunctional? Absolutely! Does it explain a lot of things about how my family behaves? Indeed it does! Did it make we want to dig deeper to find the root cause? Sure thing! My Experience As they say, sunlight is the best disinfectant. Time to pull up the shades! Or even better yet... let's shake that Family Tree! I'm going to take a look at the 5 + 1 reasons that keeping family secrets were harmful to me. Like I said earlier, while many other family members were met with similar outcomes, their stories aren't mine to tell. I'll respond to each item with a thumbs up or thumbs down if they apply to me. Elaborate, if Thumbs Up.
This is where I'm going to hit “pause”. Hopefully, I can resume this discussion next week. That's because I need to wrap my head around discovering the fact that I grew up in a dysfunctional family. Better still, how the hell did I not see the signs and symptoms that were all around me for all these years! So, hopefully, in the next episode, we'll take a deeper dive into the workings of a dysfunctional family, the consequences of growing up in one, and how to survive and actually heal from all of that dysfunction. Or at least not to perpetuate the cycle of dysfunction. So, have a great week and keep striving to be your best, no matter what hand life has dealt you! Remember, no one's perfect but excellence is attainable! Today's Quote “[On speaking of family secrets:] I don't know how you heal a wound and not let it get some air.” Barbara Neely - American Author and Activist
0 Comments
MM2S043: Season 3, Episode 13
By: Ken Boone Once again, I go back to my 2022 New Year’s Resolution #8, which is to “Attend Church Occasionally”. Well, I can tell you that this past Saturday, I found myself in a church, at a gathering. Not a service, but at a very special 12-Step meeting! So let me say “Happy Anniversary to the North Noon Group”! That's the place that helped me quit smoking almost a decade ago. And that's the place where I met a lot of lifelong friends. In fact, I produced a podcast hosted by one of them (Angel). Another was a guest on Celia's podcast (Marion). Both were amazing! I was invited to attend their anniversary meeting this past Saturday. They call them “Eating Meetings”, which typically draw huge crowds! After listening to a speaker giving a “long share”, they socialize while breaking bread together. I hadn't seen these friends in over two years. Since I don't have a problem with the addiction this group addresses, I was never a regular attendee under normal conditions. When COVID was running wild, they stopped meeting in person. Zoom was the only way they had to meet. When the restrictions started to ease up, the church where the meetings were held opened their doors on a limited basis. Because of spacing requirements, the number of people allowed in the room significantly decreased. Several times I was invited to attend meetings, but I declined. I reasoned that the program was for people wanting sobriety, trying to maintain sobriety, and supporting each other's sobriety. I didn't want to take a valuable seat from someone who may have needed help! My absence didn't mean that I was detached from my friends. They would always ask how I was doing and prayed for me when I was sick. They were so kind! Which brings us to this past Saturday. I got word that a number of them were hoping that I would attend their anniversary meeting. At first, I passed, because even those the spacing restrictions were lifted, I still felt that I would be taking up valuable space. So, I graciously declined, several times! It wasn't until last Thursday that I decided that I would attend. And that was only after I was assured that I wouldn't be taking up valuable space. It was a happy reunion, with hugs, fist bumps, and high fives all around! A whole lot of “long time, no sees”! In fact, a number of people tried to introduce me to people I'd known for over 10 years! The meeting was great, as usual. The spiritual component can't be denied or excused. In fact, they even prayed three times throughout! If that's not church, even unconventional, I don't know what is! I said in my last episode that I have a number of life-long friends who faithfully attend church and all the goodness that brings. I also said earlier in this episode that I have a number of friendships I've formed in the rooms of recovery who display just as much goodness and are just as Christ-like. The difference between the two groups is the barrier of entry of the two. As you know, with church, there are a lot of auditions, nominations, elections, and indoctrinations required, both expressed and implied. I get that in many cases it's both necessary and understandable. In the rooms of recovery, however, the only requirement for admittance is the desire to win the war over your particular addiction. Even if the group addresses alcoholism and you want to stop smoking! Today's Quote “God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things I can, and WISDOM to know the difference.” The Serenity Prayer MM2S042: Season 3, Episode 12
By: Ken Boone As I mentioned on more than one episode, I have this love/hate relationship with church. Not with God, nor the congregants. I used to be very active there, both on stage as well as behind the scenes. But for some reason, there were other places I wanted to be instead of in church, especially when I wasn't performing. For example, one of things I liked to do was tell my Mother that I had to sing and/or play at a sister church. In actuality, I would sneak out, curl up with a bowl of cereal and watch the Saturday morning cartoons followed by an episode of Soul Train! Anything but church! Thank goodness I didn't get busted that often! Now as an adult, I wonder why I have to amp myself up to attend services. Once I'm there, all is good. So, why the dread? I'm guessing it might stem from my childhood, when I felt, I was forced to go. Made to feel like I would burn in hell if I didn't go, pray, believe and didn't pay my tithes! TIME TO HIT THE GOOGLE! ITEM #1: 5 Reasons Why Your Child Really Doesn’t Like Going to Church Reference: Author Wanda Ball She recalled sitting in Sunday School as a 5-year-old not really understanding who this “Jesus” was and why they had to come to a church building to “worship” him. The only thing she looked forward to, was being around her peers, trying to learn what it all meant. Ms. Ball lists 5 reasons a child doesn't like going to church:
ITEM #2: Is it okay to force religion on a child? There is a thin line between teaching and forcing a child to be religious. Although guiding a child isn't bad, the child should ultimately be able to make the final decision on what they decide to practice. Parents should be more accepting and lenient toward the decision their child makes when it comes to religion. ITEM #3: How does forced religion affect child development? The findings, published in the journal Religions, show that children raised in religious families tend to have enhanced social and psychological skills but may perform less well academically, compared to their non-religious peers. ITEM #4: What is Religious Trauma Syndrome Religious trauma syndrome (RTS) occurs when an individual struggles with leaving a religion or a set of beliefs that has led to their indoctrination. It often involves the trauma of breaking away from a controlling environment, lifestyle, or religious figure. Please note: Religious Trauma Syndrome is in the early stages of research and is gaining traction as a legitimate diagnosis. Below are some symptoms commonly experienced by people suffering from Religious Trauma Syndrome. And many other symptoms of PTSD including nightmares, flashbacks, dissociation, emotional difficulty, etc. My Reasons for Going to Church (Revisited and gleaned from a Pew survey)
Those reasons still hold true, but 8 months into the year, the closest I've come is driving past the church a couple of times a week. I also tried to watch the live stream, but quickly lost interest. That really sucks! I have a lot of life-long friends who faithfully attend church, live good Christian lives, and “train up their children in the way that they should go...” God bless them one and all. Celia even began looking for work as a church pianist. I thought that, if she got a gig”, I'd use that as a reason to show up. But instead, she got a call to do some accounting for a startup company. I remember my late mother always implying that the hardships of my life came about because I wasn't doing what I should be doing. And that was:
Like the friends I previously mentioned that lifestyle worked out fine for her. I'm so blessed that she was the one who raised me, and I hope that I wasn't too much of a disappointment to her. I've got a little over 4 months to fulfill Resolution #8. I'm confident that it will happen. But if by chance it doesn't, I won't be consigned to eternal damnation. I've sinned and fallen short in more areas than I can count. I'm recording this episode on Tuesday morning, and I didn't attend services two days ago. I've outgrown watching cartoons decades ago. So that leaves me with a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. One out of three ain't so bad! Today's Quote “The church is not a gallery for the exhibition of eminent Christians, but a school for the education of imperfect ones!” Henry Ward Beecher – American Clergyman MM2S041: Season 3, Episode 11
By: Ken Boone The games themselves are great, whether my team wins or loses. Don't get me wrong, I still yell at the TV when my guys screw up, but doesn't everyone? What really drives me nuts is having to listen to the Hot Topic Talking Heads who think the only way to get their point across is to out yell their colleagues. And they actually get paid large sums of money to piss off half the audience. On any given broadcast, you hear them say the dumbest things like:
Like the player is trying to fail, or miss that shot, or strike out, or drop the ball, like they are trying to screw up on purpose! Drives me nuts! Talking heads are people who appear in television discussion programs and interviews to give their opinions about a topic. From Collins English Dictionary: Used in slang, a talking head is someone whose talk is empty and pretentious. From Urban Dictionary: A “Talking Head” is someone who never stops talking. They will corner you by your car after a long day's work to tell you gossip about the neighbors or to ask you about the details of your day, so they can distort it and spread it throughout the neighborhood. Not all Talking Heads are malicious, but all talking heads are idiots and timewasters. You can lose many precious hours cornered by a Talking Head. Wherever you get your definition, one consistent trait is that these people tend to have very strong opinions. And you know what they say about opinions? That's right, everybody has one. But why do these people think theirs is more valid than the next persons? George Bernard Shaw wrote, “Those who can, do those who cannot, teach.” I say, “those who can do neither, sit on the sidelines and criticize!” Types of Talking Heads In reality, there are three kinds of opinionated people. The first two are truly offensive, whereas the third is just obnoxious:
They will actually try to intimidate you to the point that you become submissive, or they will infuriate you so much so that they hijack your ability to think. I know of one really popular sports talking head who makes it a habit of constantly interrupting the other guests. And when they try to jump in, he'll tell them that he's not finished talking! Ugh! Examples from MSNBC & ESPN Typically, you'll have someone with real-life experience. Either a former politician or political operative (MSNBC), or a former athlete or coach (ESPN). On the other hand, you'll have someone whose done nothing in the arena in question but claims to be the “be all end all”. What these people seem to have in common is a ton of charisma, controversy, and a Rolodex full of reliable sources. That's good for providing the who, what, when, and where. As far as the why and how, objectivity is requested. I don't think I want your opinion. Especially if t differs from mine! How do I cope with an opinionated jerk? 5 Keys to Handling Judgmental and Opinionated People Psychology Today Most of us come across judgmental and opinionated people at some points in our lives. These individuals may presume that they “know better,” and be inclined to “correct” your words, perspective, behavior, and/or life choices*. How can you effectively handle those who insist on imposing their views? Not all of the tips may apply to your particular situation. Simply use what works and leave the rest. 1. Set Boundaries Diplomatically When someone insists on levying her or his opinion onto you, respond assertively and diplomatically with “I” and “It” statements. For example, if a person unreasonably says to you: “You need to think about the issue my way…” or “You’re better off doing this as I say…,” respond with any combination of the following:
What these “I” and “It” statements have in common is that they are more difficult to outright disagree with. After all, you’re simply exercising your own choice as an adult. Should someone insist on grilling you, avoid getting defensive by engaging in arguments or justifications. Say, briefly and succinctly, that “it’s my choice” or “it’s my take.” Repeat the short “I” and “It” statements until the difficult individual gives up. 2. Say: “Thank You” to Terminate the Topic An effective way to halt unsolicited advice is simply to say “thank you” in a firm tone of voice. It’s a polite and yet powerful way to indicate that you no longer wish to discuss the matter. You can use “thank you” as part of a diplomatic and/or assertive statement. For example:
When you set boundaries in this manner, those who are socially aware will get the message and likely back off. With someone who impolitely insists on pushing their views, consider using the next three tips. 3. Change the Topic If a stubborn individual doesn’t take your diplomatic hints, and continues to pursue an unwelcome issue, take control of the situation by changing the topic. You can do this easily by posing questions of a completely different nature back to this person (pick a subject she or he will enjoy talking about). Or, if you’re in a group environment, ask your question to someone else. Cut off the stream of unsolicited advice and redirect the focus. 4. Change the Topic with an Ally This tip works well in group get-togethers. If you anticipate ahead of time that an opinionated individual will give you a hard time, make arrangements with a friend (an “ally”) in advance. When the judgmental person begins to pontificate, either have your ally interrupt and begin a new topic, or you can initiate a different conversation with the ally. 5. If All Else Fails, Walk Away and Keep a Healthy Distance Not every difficult person is worth grappling with. Your time is important, and your peace of mind a priority. In the face of an extremely negatively entrenched individual, simply say you have to go, and diplomatically make your exit. If you’re at a group get-together, keep a healthy distance by spending most of your time communicating with other members in a separate space. Think twice before obligating yourself to interact with the judgmental individual. NOTE: It's also worth noting that it's a short hop from being a loud, opinionated boor and being a full blown bullying. And we never want it to get that fall. Those situations typically end badly! Ending The coping tips laid out in this episode are meant to help in situations that find you face to face with opinionated people. Dealing with people in those scenarios is much harder, mainly because they like to get in your face as an aggressively intimidating tactic. When these people are invading the airways via your TV set, all you've got to do is change the channel and come back later when you're sure that they're gone. One note of caution: the suits who make the decisions believe that controversy sells and may keep these people around and give them affirmation in the form of huge salaries. If that's the case, you may have to cross that show off your list. You will survive without that show on your must watch list! You have lots of options out there. As I said on an earlier episode, I find myself listening to a podcast, from big-budget shows to homemade ones like mine. I find them inspirational and educational. And since there are over 2 million shows out there, I'm sure to find something to my liking! Today's Quote “Those who look for the bad in people will surely find it.” Abraham Lincoln – 16th President of the United States of America MM2S040: Season 3, Episode 10
By: Ken Boone Last week, I posted an episode of my podcast, where I talked about three top notch Dads. While I made a good case for me and my son, Kenny, the clear winner was my late former father-in-law, George. In response to my posting the episode on Facebook, I got a few “likes”, which I always appreciate. One of them was from my good friend, Parris. He is an amazing father, probably better than Kenny and definitely better than me! I should have included him in the debate, but I didn’t. And that’s because I always thought of him as my big brother, in fact the one I would pick if I had a vote! Sorry about the omission, Big Brother! Now that I got that out, let’s move on to today’s episode. I’ve always been a big sports fan. Mets in baseball, Knicks in basketball, and Jets in football. Now in Charlotte, I’m going local. I’m rooting for the Braves in baseball, Hornets in basketball, and Panthers in football. There was a sense of unease I felt when hearing early press conferences with Panthers’ new head coach. Seemed soft-spoken and thoughtful, and people came away with the impression that he was a good and kind man. He was good at string a bunch of buzz words together. But for some reason, it didn’t sit well with me. That's because I have this personal belief that coaches have equal parts knowledge and B.S. Don’t get me started on their motivational tactics. I’ll do an episode on how full of “you-know-what” I think most coaches really are. But that’s a rant for another day. A few years back, my buddy Pete was going through physical therapy after he suffered a stroke. To work on his hands, he bought a bass guitar. I suggested that he go online and watch some YouTube videos from this bass instructor from the U.K. He did and was thoroughly impressed. Part of the guy’s charm was that he was very approachable, always responding to questions and comments. He seemed like a cool dude. At the time, Pete still owned his independent record company. He put out over 150 great records featuring phenomenal musician! Pete was so impressed with him that he reached out to the guy inviting him to record for the label. By the way, the guy wasn’t signed to anyone and had a very thin list of credits at the time. Most people would jump at the chance to record on a label. Especially one run by someone with a spotless reputation in the industry. But not this guy. Not only did he pass on the opportunity, but he also didn’t have the decency to respond! WHO DOES THAT! The guy is now pretty big in that world, with some of his videos getting over a million views. His paying customers are in the thousands. And he still plays the role of the nice guy next door. I’m happy for his success, but I know that his nice guy act is just an act! Reaching back further in time, when I was doing the Christian Music thing, Celia and I ran into a similar character, but on a local level. The schtick was the same. He came across as a cool, humble guy who was willing to sing anywhere and everywhere just to “spread the message”. We weren’t friends but we weren’t strangers either. I bought his “aw shucks” act until I reached out to him with an offer of a paying gig here in Charlotte with a prime spot in the lineup. I waited for a response yay or nay. Guess what? I’m still waiting! And that was over 10 years ago. Just last week, a Facebook post of his landed on my timeline. He’s doing that same old “Man of the People” thing. I hope no one else has fallen for it, and I hope he’s sincere about it all these years later! Why do people portray themselves as being nice, friendly, interested, when in fact they really don’t care about others unless there’s something in it for them? Why the insincerity? INSINCERITY Definition: is the action or practice of pretending to feel something that you do not really feel, or not meaning what you say. From the Cambridge Dictionary Is insincerity ever good? The customer is always right. Greet every customer with a smile. Always greet your employees enthusiastically. The American work experience is riddled with these tiny moments of insincerity that are often scripted or actively encouraged by employers. Good things? I’m not so sure! 3 Common Reasons People Demonstrate Excessive Kindness By Jennifer Lea Reynolds, Psychology Today w/ Sources: Melanie Greenberg, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Mill Valley, CA Julia Bruer, PhD, a clinical psychotherapist in Boca Raton, FL 1. Narcissism: “I think that for some people, it’s because they are self-serving,” she says. Dr. Greenberg explains that these people are often wondering what the best way is to accomplish their goals without caring so much about the other person. They’ll turn on the charm towards others, but ultimately, it’s only because they hope to achieve some kind of personal gain. 2. Control: Dr. Breur suggests keeping an eye on someone who is kind to you, yet judgmental about others. “Inauthentic people often judge others as a way of gaining control,” she says. “Be careful, because some people may use kindness to try to control you.” 3. Insecurity: At the same time, Dr. Greenberg says people shouldn’t jump to negative conclusions. Not everyone who is extremely kind has ulterior motives. For example, an insecure person, she says, may not feel confident asking for a favor outright. Therefore, they may “ask” by regularly demonstrating nice words and behaviors. For whatever their reasons, dealing with insincere people can be a frustrating thing. Especially if you’re a trusting soul by nature, like I am. I’ve been burned far more than I wish to remember. But the worst thing you can do is to become jaded and insincere yourself. Been there, done that too! What should I do if I don’t want to be “that guy” any longer? ACT RIGHT! It’s just that simple. How should I deal with insincere people that I will continue to cross paths with? E.B. Johnson, in an article she wrote for Medium.com gives us five valuable tips: How to deal with the insincere people in your life.
Which brings us back to the 7-year $62million per year coach of my new favorite football team. Wipe away that fake smile and do the job you were hired to do! That act of yours worked in college, where all you need to do is threaten to take away a player’s scholarship or bench him to motivate him. To be successful on the big stage, you must add at least a little substance to your style! A lot of my fellow Panther fans can see past the façade and want him gone! I’m not wishing that he fails. I’m not expecting him to take the team to the Super Bowl. He’s a professional coach, which already makes him one part snake oil salesman. Is it too much to ask that the other part just be competent? Time is running out! Today's Quote “Insincerity is always weakness; sincerity even in error is strength.” George Henry Lewes (Lewes) - English Philosopher |
About the HostKenneth E. Boone, Sr. is a writer, podcaster, music lover, sports enthusiast, and retired accountant. Archives
May 2024
|