MM2S048: Season 3, Episode 18
By: Ken Boone Before we jump into this post, here's an update on my 2022 list of New Year's Resolutions. Resolution 14, to be exact. I've started practicing voice overs, specifically narrations for Audio books. That's supposed to be the easiest area (relatively speaking) of voice acting a person can get into. So, I'll keep practicing and see where it leads me. Fingers crossed! July 2019. Celia had undergone a much-needed hip replacement surgery. I was running around in the heat of a Charlotte summer taking care of all are needs while she was recovering. I had an inkling that I wasn't doing too well. What seemed like gallons of sweat would pour from every part of my body whenever I would simply walk to and from my car. I would have to lie down after walking up a flight of stairs at home. I blamed my sweating and fatigue on the heat and humidity, since it was a particularly hot Summer. I also noticed a huge weight gain that I attributed to eating too many sweets! To further support my misdiagnosis, I saw pictures of a number of my male friends from my childhood, with most of them even heavier than I was. So, I added normal aging as another excuse for the obesity! Let's move ahead to September 2019. I was getting used to the fatigue, sweating, and weight gain, and it seemed that people in my small circle didn't notice my deterioration, or maybe they just didn't care. It wasn't until our dear friend Angel noticed that my skin appeared to be gray! Not my hair! Not my mustache and beard! They've be gray for decades! But my skin! Not a good look! You know the rest of the story., so here's the Cliff Notes' version: I went to the Emergency Room, they took my blood pressure, ran a few tests, and had me admitted to the Cardiac Care Unit with a diagnosis of Congestive Heart Failure. While I wasn't circling the drain, I was pretty damn close! They kept me there for 5 days. While the care was excellent, there was a sort of up-selling going on. I told you about the sales rep who dressed up like a nurse trying to get me to buy a specialized vest that was like a dye pack for the heart! The resident cardiologist was also in on the scare campaign! And I'll admit, they scared the hell out of Celia. Fortunately, all they did was piss me off, especially when they would tell me how much the contraption costs! How unethical! We got all that straightened out when a scheduling conflict with that cardiologist landed me in the care of Dr. Venkatesh, my current cardiologist! Gave me a playbook and marching orders that I followed religiously. He had me fix the diet (particularly my sodium intake), exercise regularly, and take the medicines he prescribed. And I my obeyed doctor's orders! This month marks 3 years since that medical crisis and life-altering. I'm happy to say that my heart function has returned to normal! My weight and blood pressure are at normal levels! Dr. V was so impressed that he cut my medicines in half! But he still reminds me that if I don't maintain my current lifestyle, I can end up back in the hospital, in worse shape than before! I give a lot of the credit for my recovery to Dr. V., my wife Celia, and Angel for noticing that I was looking pretty bad and had to get things checked out. I THANK YOU! However, there were more people who get a heaping dose of gratitude. Mike and Erica, my in-laws, lifted me up to a powerful prayer group in Bucks County, PA. My friends in that 12-Step group who helped me quit smoking proved to be more than one trick ponies! They helped in ways unimaginable! I devoted the rest of 2019 to my recovery. Then I got busy making the necessary life changes, starting with learning how to say no when saying yes was not in my best interest. This new me wasn't met with a whole lot of enthusiasm, but it was my survival that was at stake. I lost some friends because of my new-found honesty, but I gained a whole lot more. You see, when my son learned of my illness (three months after my hospitalization, by the way), it scared the crap out of him! His mother passed away when he was 13, and he seemed to take my very existence for granted. My situation served as a wake-up call to him. We now keep in touch regularly, he comes to me for advice, and I reach out to him for guidance as well! So, three years after my health scare, how am I doing? I'm happy, pretty damn healthy, happily married, a proud father and grandfather, and enjoying a retirement filled with pursuing my life's passions! If I don't relapse into bad habits, like poor diet, lack of exercise and unnecessary stress, I expect to be around for a lot longer than the doctor and sales rep who tried to sell me the vest with the exploding dye pack thought I would! There are still a lot of things that I have to accomplish before it's check out time! My 65th birthday is coming January 20, 2023, and I'm trying to decide what I'll give myself to commemorate this milestone. In the meantime, I don't let a day go by without thanking all the people who helped me arrive here. Celia, Angel, Dr. V., Mike & Erica, and North Noon, it's all your fault that I'm still here. I owe you BIG TIME! Today's Quote “Give every day the chance to become the most beautiful day of your life!” - Mark Twain
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MM2S047: Season 3, Episode 17
By: Ken Boone Let me begin by giving a very special shout out to the nonprofit Disability:IN North Carolina on its 10th anniversary! Celia and I had the pleasure of working with them a few years ago. In fact, they were my first podcast production clients! I also recorded a number of live events for them. So, Beth and Pat, congratulations on 10 years of driving disability inclusion and innovation in the workforce! To be truthful, they're considered some of the good guys in the world of nonprofit. I should know since I've had more than my share of unsavory “Do-gooders” over the past decades. A lot of people in that space hide bad motives behind good ones, solely driven by power and greed. Maybe I'll talk about them in a future episode. Or maybe I won't, just leaving the past in the past! Writer, poet, and musician Michelle Sandlin once said, “there is no greater journey than the one that you must take to discover all the mysteries that lie within you”. My second blog post, originally published on March 4th, 2019, was titled “So, This is All About Inclusion and Recovery, Right?” where I started looking for a new purpose for my life, once I made the move to North Carolina. After allowing myself a year to get my bearings, I found myself sitting in a local Starbucks on my first date with Celia, who became my wife. During the course of sharing our life stories, she asked me “what do you want to do with the rest of your life?” After a long pause, all I could say was “Duh, I don’t know.” That was an excellent question that I never REALLY asked myself before. Since in my past, I never had the luxury of doing what I WANTED to do, so it was going to take some time to come up with the answered. I told her that I'd have to get back to her. Before I could get to the “what”, I had to discover, then declare “WHO I WAS”! Then I could address the “WHAT”. Which would then lead me to figuring out the “WHEN”, the “WHERE”, the “WHY”, and let's not forget the “HOW”! Told you that was a great question! A great question leads a person done a path of discovery. WHO? At the time, I was an accounting consultant at a contact lens manufacturer in the Rochester, NY area. How did I get there? In hindsight, who really knows! I was offered a staff accountant position but turned it down. That turned out to be a good decision. I was also a single Dad who was fighting an uphill battle to keep my son on the straight and narrow. Fast forward to now, and it appears as though I was mildly successful. But not without a lot of prayers, yelling, bribery (when necessary), and a whole lot of luck. I devoted that part of my life raising him and figured out that I'd like to use what's left of this life to check off some of the items on my bucket list. WHEN? All of this planning and execution took place between New Year's Day 2009, when I made up my mind that a change of scenario was necessary, and July 2009, when the moving van finally unloaded my stuff here. But where is here, you might ask? WHERE? In early March 2009, before I made the move, I created my list of desirable southern cities for consideration. Yes, they had to be southern cities! My late mother was always telling me that I should consider a move to the “New South”. She was born and raised in Austin, TX. My biological father was from the Wilmington, NC area. Even my stepfather hailed from the south. Miami, FL, about as far south as you can go and still be in 48 contiguous states. One by one, I began eliminating them from my list. Raleigh, NC – Too expensive! Austin, TX – Too far from family! Virginia Beach, VA – Too congested! They’re all great locations, but none of them felt right. Then I stumbled upon Charlotte, NC area. HOORAY! JUST RIGHT! WHY? I was over 50 years old and had a ton of work and life experience. However, at the time, we were in the middle of the worst recession since the Great Depression (which caused me actual depression), which meant that my window to make a significant move and lifestyle change was closing fast. But by hook or by crook, I was moving south! It was a matter of self-preservation, a matter of survival! And if that reinvention thing didn't work, I knew I could always hustle up a living crunching numbers. And while I was making my plans, good jobs were literally falling out of tress. Little did I know that accounting was Celia's legit hustle too! HOW? Remember when she asked me what I wanted to do and I responded that I didn’t know? Well, she helped me find out what I wanted to do, and more importantly, who I am! And that's who I've always been, just free to take chances without fear of failure, rejection, abandonment! With all of those questions answered, we set out on a journey. We made music, gave concerts, played church services, weddings, funerals, outdoor festivals, and even a Hoe Down or three! Celia even created and presented a series of wildly successful mental wellness seminars, covering topics such as recovery from depression and abuse. Our new-found visibility led to opportunities in the nonprofit arena. There, we met many different types of people. Some were very unsavory characters. But some were real jewels, like Beth from the aforementioned Disability:IN North Carolina. She gave me the opportunity to run with my dream to create and produce podcasts! In fact, she was my very first client and a fine podcast host in her own right. And when we needed to smooth out any financial rough patches, we dusted off the old spreadsheet apps and took on some accounting gigs. And once I officially retired, I was to close the book on bookkeeping (no pun intended). Since Celia asked me that question, “what do you want to do with the rest of your life”, I can say with great certainty, anything I feel like doing! And I've done a lot, and I’ll do more. The only thing that could possibly hold me back would be a limited imagination. And that's not a concern of mine. Who am I? That was harder question to answer. But eventually the answer became clear. Everything I did was about inspiration, inclusion and doing the next right thing. When she asked me that question, Celia noticed that I was having a hard time getting to the obvious answer. She then asked me another question, to help nudge me along. It was, “if money were no object, and you absolutely could not fail, what would you do?” For the two of us, that is sharing hope and help with people recovering from life on life’s terms. So, find what you love. Learn it well, then do it well. Do it with conviction and do it for all the right reasons. And most important, try to have fun doing it! To badly butcher one of my favorite sayings, “Doing what you love for a living means you’ll never work a day in your life!” Today's Quote “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” Mahatma Gandhi MM2S046: Season 3, Episode 16
By: Ken Boone After a lot of convincing from my son, Kenny, I've decided to change my rooting interest in baseball from the New York Mets to the Atlanta Braves. While I watch so little baseball these days, but when I do, it makes all the sense in the world since I've been living in the South since 2009. I'm already rooting for the Panthers and Hornets, in football and basketball respectively, so what the hell! This episode isn't about hardcore, or even passive, fandom. It's not about rooting for the home team. It's more about hometown pride, with me having that for the first time in my life! Starting in 2019, I wrote a little blog that was a companion to my first podcast, “From Grievance to Gratitude”. That was a very emotionally cleansing show that ran for 45 episodes. In other words, I got a lot of stuff off my chest. As the title suggests, I ended up in a place of gratitude, and have remained there ever since! My first blog post was titled “Home at Last” where shared how I arrived at making the move down here to the Charlotte, NC area. Before that, I'd done my fair share of moving around and never feeling at home. The first move was as a member of a slightly dysfunctional family suffering the pain and embarrassment of a home foreclosure, a broken family, and a change in religious affiliation as a 5-year-old boy. And all taking place in a mere 6 months! All the other moves were under less dramatic and/or traumatic circumstances. However, all of them felt like temporary relocations, as much as I tried my best to lay down roots wherever I landed. I wouldn't call myself a nomad, because I was always trying to find a place to call home! That was until I moved here! Which brings me to my first blog post. With your indulgence, I'd like to make those words come alive on this podcast. So here goes: It’s February 2009, and I’m shoveling what seemed like 30 feet of snow from my driveway in Greater Rochester, NY. I had quit making New Year’s Resolutions years ago, but I made one more: To move south. I had picked out the house I wanted to buy. It’s been my house for almost 13 years now but that’s a story for another day. It was over 20 years since I touched a piano, sang a note, wrote a song, yet I called myself a musician. In reality, I was an accountant and retired youth baseball coach. My one saving grace was that I became a die-hard fan of the music of Steely Dan! It’s complicated stuff but got easier when I heard the gospel elements hiding out in the chords. I was born in NYC and raised by folks from the South, and constantly looking for a slower pace of life. Because a lot of people see moving to NYC as the final landing spot for their hopes and dreams, it makes my wishes a little “bass-ackwards”. As I got older, and hopefully wiser, I realized that a number of people’s wishes aligned with mine. And I’m not just talking about retirees. Actually, I was late to the party. Almost 40 years ago, my biological brother made the move from NYC to Philadelphia while I was still wishing I was somewhere other than my small apartment with a parking space a quarter mile from my front door. "The cityscape is nice, but the seascape is priceless!" That’s a quote I got from my “other big brother”, Parris Sr., who made the move from the Bronx, NY to Spring Hill, FL about 30 years ago. That move turned out well for him, his wife Laverne, and children. Back to February 2009, I don’t know if it was that final snowstorm, or stumbling upon an episode of HGTV’s House Hunters, where the young couple was deciding between three beautiful and insanely inexpensive homes in Charlotte, NC. Whatever the prompt, I told myself that “I’m outta here”! And I did…eventually! Now here I am. I started a fledgling production company, where I produced a gospel CD and six different podcast shows. And as for accounting, I still put debits on the left and credits on the right, and until I formally retired, got paid for it too! While it’s a noble profession, accounting is my alternative to “would you like fries with that?” What I’m trying to say here is to dream it, plan it, then do it. That’s how us procrastinators get off the dime. It also helps to have several pieces of motivational artwork hanging on your walls! Fast forward to February 2010, when I met the girl of my dreams here in the Greater Charlotte area. I’ve quoted her quite extensively on my blogs and podcasts. If you like what she says, you can listen to her podcast, “ISO Search & Healing w/Celia Boone”. It currently on extended hiatus, but when it was live, I had the honor of producing the show, and I learned something every day by just hitting the “record” button, closing my mouth and opening my ears and mind! I ended the blog post with what she told me with all the Southern charm she could muster when I lamented over taking some long to come down to beautiful Huntersville, NC: “That’s ok, you got here as soon as you could!” To reiterate, since 2009, I'm rooting for the Carolina Panthers and the Charlotte Hornets. As I said at the top of this episode, I'll start rooting for Atlanta Braves. That will only last until Charlotte gets a Major League baseball team. And when they do, good or bad, I'll root for them. That's what homers do! Today's Quote: “Home isn't where you're from, its where you find light when all grows dark.” Pierce Brown – American Author MM2S045: Season 3, Episode 15
By: Ken Boone The American poet and essayist Mary Karr once said that “a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.” I'd like to begin this episode with an anonymous quote: “There is no such thing as the perfect family. Every family is unique with its own combination of strengths and weaknesses.” When last we met, I started shaking my family tree to determine what the hell is wrong with me and mine. Without divulging family secrets, we discovered that at the root of our issues are, for lack of a better term, “family secrets”! We learned that keeping family secrets can be harmful to us. Keeping these secrets can destroy relationships, affect children’s lives, cause suspicion and resentment, create a false sense of reality, and even illness. And if that's not bad enough, keeping secrets can lead to a life of mediocrity and underachievement. Who wants that kind of consignment? Not me! Not anymore! We also learned that keeping family secrets is the by-product of being a member of a dysfunctional family. While all families suffer from a certain amount of dysfunction, some are worse than others. So, let's dive right in! How to Identify the Signs and Impact of a Dysfunctional Family What characterizes a dysfunctional family? The answer might seem simple. We see them showcased in movies the Royal Tenenbaums and Knives Out. We see them on television shows like Succession and Shameless. In fact, The Simpsons, is centered around the never-ending dysfunctional ties between all the five family members, including baby Maggie! There is certainly no such thing as a perfect family, and all households have challenges and issues that show themselves in a variety of different ways. But how those problems are dealt with, can determine the impact they may have on family members. Some families fall into destructive patterns that have damaging consequences to some, or even to all, of those involved. What Makes a Family Dysfunctional? Some assume that these families project a lot of animosity, hostility and turmoil. But the reality is that it can be a lot more nuanced than that. Catherine Richardson, a mental health counselor with Talkspace, says these families can look normal to an onlooker, but any extended exposure to them will uncover their unhealthy patterns. “There is typically a lot of tension, lots of rules, and very little unconditional love,” she says. While there aren’t physical characteristics that define a dysfunctional family, there are revealing patterns of behavior that do. For one, strict rules are typically enforced. Don’t ask questions, don’t feel your feelings, and don’t challenge the norm. I have first-hand of how these harsh family directives led to a lack of emotional support and meeting my needs when I was most. Patterns of a Dysfunctional Family Some behavioral patterns that stand out in dysfunctional families include: Triangulation: This is a manipulation tactic where two family members team up against another. Gaslighting: This is a psychological tactic where one member of the family manipulates another by questioning that person’s sanity or grasp of reality. Stonewalling: This occurs when one family member is offended and refuses to engage the offender until they apologize. This emotional detachment can be interpreted as a form of abandonment, with the potential to have serious consequences to the person who is being targeted. The Impact of a Dysfunctional Family Upbringing Children who grow up in a dysfunctional family often have trouble in their personal and professional relationships later in life. According to Ms. Richardson, a child who came from a home that was highly authoritarian may have difficulty making decisions for themselves and seek others to manage their lives for them. On the other hand, a child who grew up in a more permissive environment with little rules may have trouble following authority and empathizing with others. Roles in a Dysfunctional Family I first learned about the roles in a dysfunctional family from my wife, Celia. She informed me that within the family dynamics, you will see characters like: Mascot: They see it as their job to add levity and get everyone to laugh whenever possible to deescalate tense or stressful situations. Golden child: They equate being perfect, whether in school, sports, or any other activities, to being accepted by their families. He or she is often treated differently than their siblings, with preferential treatment. As a result, they work hard at maintaining this position. Black sheep: This family member will be treated like a scapegoat, being singled out or left out of activities or blame that’s not always deserved. As a result of this treatment, the black sheep often feels like they don’t belong. Enabler: This family member feels the weight of their family’s problems. They are the martyrs who often support the dysfunctional behavior and enforce the role everyone has taken on. Causes of a Dysfunctional Family The causes of a dysfunctional family are too many to list here, but here's a few:
Consequences of Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Family As with the causes of a dysfunctional family, the consequences of growing up in a dysfunctional family are too many to list here, so I'll just provide a sample:
My experience and how I got healing As far as the pattern of dysfunction that was most present in my house was gaslighting. That's because whenever I questioned our beliefs, my validity as a person also came into question. Dreaming was also a no no! More often than not, I assumed the role of the mascot. I cracked a lot of jokes, that is whenever I wasn't raging! I also acted as the enabler, by blindly supporting the sometimes-dysfunctional behavior of family members, even when supporting them was not in my best interest. I'm not saying that the dysfunction in my family was extreme. I'm also not saying that there was abuse in my home. And while I do believe that my parents had favorites in my immediate family and beyond, I still felt loved and wanted! Just because I grew up in a mildly dysfunctional family doesn’t mean there isn’t hope for me to live a healthy, balanced, and fulfilling life. Over the years, I've taken steps to receive the emotional support needed to heal from the effects of my upbringing. I haven't found the need to get counseling, be it individual or group. I do crash the occasional 12-step meeting for spiritual refueling. As long as I keep my mouth shut, my mind open, and promise not to share or put money in the basket, they will let me hang with them! I also make it a practice to identify patterns from my family of origin when they show up in my adult life. I have my small, yet trusted, support system tells me when they see these detrimental patterns and hold me accountable in making the necessary changes . That's all good, but for me, healing from the effects of family secrets and being in a dysfunctional family is accomplished by a simple little thing? Whenever possible, and healthy, I try to keep my distance! Don't get me wrong. I would do anything for anyone of them at any time. But I'd prefer to love them from afar, and they know why. But I'm not ready, willing, or able to revisit the patterns and roles that I didn't sign up for in the first place! Aren't we adults here?!?! Today's Quote: “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city!” George Burns – American Comedian, Actor and Producer |
About the HostKenneth E. Boone, Sr. is a writer, podcaster, music lover, sports enthusiast, and retired accountant. Archives
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