MM2S057: Season 4, Episode 9
By: Ken Boone I bought a quart of paint from Lowe's the other day. Valspar Signature Radiant Red in an Egg Shell finish. I had to patch a lot of nail holes, which means, in my case, that I made a lot of decisions only to change my mind! 32 times, to be exact! Last week, on Thanksgiving Day to be exact, I painted over those patches. Now, that may seem like “no biggie” to you, but for me it's huge. There were times when it took me over a year to complete a simple patch and paint project! On Black Friday, I didn't make a mad dash for the nearest store and fight the crowds for a good deal on some gadget. But I did dip into the Pharmacy Department of my local Walmart to pick up some refills. I was planning on attending a church service this past Sunday, but a heavy downpour of rain made me change my mind! The service was at Assurance United Methodist Church right here in Huntersville, which happens to be my absolute favorite church! It's the one church that I can peacefully sit in the congregation and not to have the urge to get up on stage for one reason or another. And to cap off my very exciting weekend, Celia went online and found for me a fantastic Medicare plan, complete with Plans C and D at no extra cost! I'm relieved to cross that item off my list, although I was flattered to get all of those solicitations by mail, phone call, and even a knock on my door from an insurance salesman who looked like a candidate for City Council (or Dog Catcher)! I now get a huge sense of accomplishment by completing routine tasks. It means that I didn't run things through a checklist of self-doubt, perfectionism, and procrastination. I did what I had to do. And if my first attempt wasn't successful, I would try it again. And more often than not, I got it right the first time! That exercise is called “getting unstuck” or “getting out of your head”. What Does It Mean to Be in Your Head? To be in your head usually means over-thinking or over-analyzing a situation or behavior, constantly dwelling on the same thing over and over until your mind feels super cluttered. Sometimes, we all get stuck in our heads, but some of us do so more than others. Although it's lovely to ponder life and inquire about yourself, the problem is that the majority of our thoughts are not so upbeat. Don't worry if I'm describing you. I've done my research and I'm here to bring you some possible solutions. How to Get Out of Your Head I ran across an article by Patricia Harteneck PhD in Psychology Today titled “7 Ways to Get Yourself Unstuck” which hit the mark for me. With your permission, I'd like to read a brief excerpt from that article: “It's easy to get in a rut. Maybe you have goals but for some reason, you are not reaching for them. Maybe self-judgment is causing you to lower your expectations, or low self-worth is preventing you from making positive changes. You can also get stuck in worry, afraid to make a decision or change something in your life. Or maybe you're disappointed with how a particular situation turned out, and it just feels too hard to move on.” “When we get stuck, we often wait for external change to happen. But change doesn't happen to us, it comes from within us. Change is scary and painful, but it's also necessary for getting unstuck. And when that happens, many opportunities open up.” She then goes on to list seven strategies for when you feel stuck. Coincidentally, I found variations of Dr. Harteneck's list through other resources, and have been putting the strategies into practice for most of this year: 1. Let go of the past. Listen to the stories in your head. Are you thinking about events that happened in the past? Are you unable to forgive yourself for the mistakes you made? Are you blaming yourself or others for things that did not turn out the way you hoped? Ask yourself why you are stuck on these memories, and what you can do to live with them, accept them, and move forward. You can't undo the past, but you can choose to find peace. Forgiving yourself or others is a way to let go and move on. 2. Change your perspective. To gain a new perspective, spend time alone and listen to your inner voice. Take a break from your daily routine to clear your mind and get distance from your current situation. Open yourself up to new people and ideas and introduce regular physical activity into your routine. All of these changes will help you gain a new perspective on the future and what is possible. 3. Start with small changes. Change stimulates different parts of the brain that improve creativity and clarity of mind. You can start small by changing your daily routines, move things around in your house, or even making new friends. Every choice matters. You might be tempted to skip the little things because they don't always seem important in the moment. But after a while, an accumulation of small changes will help you accomplish your goals, and you will start feeling unstuck. 4. Explore your purpose. Your life purpose is not just your job, your responsibilities, or your goals—it's what makes you feel alive. These are the things you are passionate about and will fight for. Examples of a life purpose could be:
5. Believe in yourself. Trust that you can reach your expectations and get out of your comfort zone. Make a list of your strengths and positive traits and remember that you are very capable. Many people sabotage their own progress—consciously or unconsciously—as a result of deep-seated fears and limiting beliefs. The first step to believing in yourself is to recognize your self-doubt. Pay attention to the ways you react to situations. Then you can work to re-frame your self-doubt. Limitations like, "I can't" or "I don't know" can be replaced with, "I can't do that yet, but I'm working on it," or "I don't know now, but I will." Another way to instill confidence in your abilities is to write down your past successes and keep the notes on hand when you need proof that you can do things that are challenging or new. 6. Practice being hopeful. Maybe you have had a lot of disappointments that led to this moment in your life when you feel helpless. Maybe you are experiencing a naturally protective feeling of pessimism. This is something you will have to work to change. Find a practice, such as meditation, prayer, or reading inspirational books, and do it regularly. Hope is not a permanent state. You need to work at it every day. 7. Consider talking to a professional. If you find that you are unable to change unhealthy thought patterns, consider consulting a mental health provider to help you figure out why you are stuck, and to find ways to get unstuck. Sometimes asking for help can be the most hopeful and powerful step you can take. As you all know by now, I've been stuck in my head for a large portion of my life. It took a lot of brutally honest soul searching for me to reach the place I'm at today. Following the strategies outlined by Dr. Harteneck, as well as the otherwise folks I've run across along the way, things are really looking good for my present and future. Doing the research for this show, writing the scripts, and recording these episodes allows me to talk out my issues into a microphone, then beam my thoughts out there for all the world to hear. I hope they are of benefit to you as well. This blog post accompanies the 23rd consecutive weekly episode of this show, stretching across two seasons. I've been publishing this show since Fall 2020, and I can tell you that this is the most fulfilling venture of my life! To some of you, patching and repainting some walls, avoiding the Black Friday crowds, to picking up refills, and signing up for Medicare benefits may seem like routine tasks. Performing those tasks without undue procrastination is a major feat for me. Even me canceling attending a church service, and without a tinge of guilt, using the lame excuse of rain feels pretty good. That means I can exercise my right to make up then change my mind and not worry about a fate of hell fire and brimstone. I'll simply try to make it next Sunday, or the Sunday after next. The choice is mine to make! I'm going to record four more episodes for season, and this year. I'll probably take the last week in December off to reflect and recharge. I need to come up with my list of New Year's Resolutions for 2023. Today's Quote “The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.” The Famous Unknown Sage
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MM2S056: Season 4, Episode 8
By: Ken Boone In my last episode, I introduced you to my alter ego, the entity capable of great things, honest communication, and high achievement. Several episodes ago, I shook my family tree and learned why I needed to create that alter ego as a matter of sanity and survival (a little too dramatic, I must admit) ...... Think of all your achievements. Do you feel proud of what you've accomplished? Or do you feel like a fraud? Do they bring you joy? Or do they leave you with the feeling that, one day, your cover will be blown, and everyone will find out that you just got lucky? If you experience self-doubt, take comfort to know that you're in great company! Impostor Syndrome is typically associated with high achievers. So, if you feel like a fraud, chances are that you're more capable than you think. Real frauds never worry about this! They never, ever experience self-doubt! What Is Impostor Syndrome?It is the overwhelming feeling that you don't deserve your success. It convinces you that you're not as intelligent, creative or talented as you may seem. It is the suspicion that your achievements are down to luck, good timing or just being in the “right place at the right time.” And it is accompanied by the fear that, one day, you'll be exposed as a fraud. Sound familiar? Impostor Syndrome can be linked to other feelings of self-doubt, like fear of success and/or, fear of failure, or even self-sabotage. It's more than low self-confidence, or excessive humility. It's a fear of exposure, and it often strikes at moments of success:
Sometimes, these feelings can inspire you to work harder, so you won't be "unmasked," leading to further success and recognition and feeling like an even bigger fraud. But often, they lead to "downshifting." This is when you revise your goals and become less ambitious, which in turn, prevents you from fulfilling your true potential. In my case, the latter typically applied! According to the Dunning-Kruger Effect, people of high ability often have a low awareness of that ability. However, that doesn't mean that they all have Impostor Syndrome, which uniquely involves a dread of "discovery." 5 Different Types of Impostor Syndrome An expert on the subject, Dr. Valerie Young, has categorized the syndrome into the following subgroups:
I recognize those types in a number of accomplished people in my life, and I spend a great deal of time coaching them up. I need to give myself the same pep talks! How Can We Overcome Impostor Syndrome? Recognizing that you have Impostor Syndrome is often the hardest part. Many people believe that the alternative is to become boastful and self-important, but this needn't be the case. Here are six tips to help you beat Impostor Syndrome:
Impostor Syndrome is a self-fulfilling pattern of thought, where you consider yourself to be a fraud. You doubt your own smarts and talents and think that anyone who believes otherwise is either "being nice" or has somehow been fooled into believing this. Celia always says, “I can't spot unless I've got it”. That means that if I can see it in others, there's a pretty good chance that I have it myself. So, when I encourage others with self-doubt that they are the “real deal”, I might want to take another look in the mirror and give me the same pep talk! I can really use the praise! Today's Quote “Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.” Theodore Roosevelt – 26th President of the United States of America MM2S055: Season 4, Episode 7
By: Ken Boone I voted last Tuesday. In fact, I've voted in just about every primary and general election since I met my wife, Celia, nearly 13 years ago. The outcome wasn't what I hoped it would be, but it was better than what was predicted by the experts. To get a handle on the local, state, and national results, I found myself looking to my one-time “go to” cable news channel for answers. Or should I say I went there just for the numbers. I'm happy to say that I didn't relapse. The Charlotte Hornets, Carolina Panthers, as well as the Hallmark Channel, plus some binge watching had something to do with that. So, Item #6 of my New Year's Resolution is still holding strong! Ever since I was a very young boy, I always heard critiques about me like:
I've brought that up many times on several episodes on more than one podcast. I guess that means that that characterization still hurts when I recall it. In a way, hearing that all the time made it something of a self-fulfilling prophesy. It didn't entirely douse my need to dream, but it did make me very erratic in my pursuit of wants in life. I'd go from extreme caution to “full steam ahead” at the drop of a hat. Walt Disney was the first person credited with this quote: “If you can dream it, you can do it”. Canadian-American motivational speaker, Brian Tracy, added to the quote, and his goes like this: “If you can dream it, you can do it. Your limits are all within yourself”. I've been known to beat a dead horse a time or two, and now is no exception. Marketing expert Pam Moore turns those quotes on their side a little by saying: “If you can dream it, you can build it. If you can build it, you can live it”. I just have one question for those three sages – where were you when I needed you? I could have used any or all of those quotes to push back on my critics. But that's okay, I figured out my own workaround. As a matter of survival, I devoted a large portion of my brain to fleshing out that dream world they said I lived in. I still functioned quite well in the real world (or so I thought). And to maintain the appearance of normalcy, I had to keep my happy place in the background and out of the view of others. I wasn't always successful, but that didn't stop me from trying. The main thing I did was to create an alter ego. Simply defined, an alter ego is a person's secondary or alternative personality. Starting with Mighty Mouse when I was a toddler, I moved on to create sports heroes who competed in an imaginary league because I was unable to participate in my neighborhood leagues. When I reached my teens, I created a character who looked like me, walked and talked like me, and went by the same name as me. This was the guy who allowed himself to dream or change his mind when it became apparent that the dream wasn't realistic. The actions of that character weren't always successful. He did develop a habit of working without a net when the spirit moved him. Case in point, I can't count all of the times when he, or me, would attempt to perform something musical or dramatic when I didn't know the material. Needless to say, I would blame it on “that guy” and just move on to the next disaster. Glad I can laugh about it now! I'm sure that there are literally millions of people who created alter egos. The first group that comes to mind are actors. In their real lives, many of them are shy and used acting as a way of escape. They just happened to be so good at it that they were able to make a living in that character. The roles they play are merely alter egos layered on top of their coping alter ego. That's a pretty dizzying analysis! I thought that I had to be careful when talking about imaginary things (like my made-up sports world) and people (my alter ego). The whole “living in a dream world” scenario remained a vivid reminder that I marched to a different beat! Learning that imagination and adopting grand, heroic alter egos was normal for successful people also served as a reminder. This time, the reminder was that, out of an abundance of caution, I was lied to in order to keep me safe. I mentioned that when I talked about my dysfunctional family in past episodes. I was overjoyed when I discovered that having and alter ego was not a sign of immaturity of potential insanity. As it turns out, creating alter egos is a proven form of psychological distancing that allows you to adopt desirable personality traits. Adopting an alter ego can also help you emulate the behaviors of people you look up to — such as discipline, self-control and courage. Quite often, there would be internal clashes between cautious Ken and his bold and daring alter ego, also named Ken. Cautious Ken was content just keeping his head down and accepting his place. Bold and Daring Ken would usually say “OH HELL NO”, usually resulting in angry outbursts and committing social faux pas that made sense to no one, and if all else failed, my go-to disappearing act! Having an imagination and a righteous alter ego is a healthy thing. Many of the greats have one, or both. In fact, their alter egos said it was okay to dream it, do it, build it, and live it! Today's Quote: “First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win!” Mahatma Gandhi MM2S054: Season 4, Episode 6
By: Ken Boone Calendar Year 2022!! Believe it or not, this is the first year that I didn't get a written warning from my HOA that I needed to cut my lawn. Or pull up the weeds. Or trim my hedges! And all it's taken me is 13 years to finally get it right! The guy who takes care of my lawn lives literally across the street from me. I've told him that anytime he feels my yard looks overgrown, he should feel free to cut, clip, and edge anything green. So, access to affordable, quality landscaping isn't the problem. I think it's just that I get hypnotized by grass and trees. Maybe because my access to nature was limited growing up. Although I did say on my last episode that I had a pretty cool childhood in that “oasis in the midst of urban crazy”, otherwise known as Franklin Plaza, that “urban crazy” was (and still is) located in the middle of one of the largest concrete jungles on the face of the earth! Sure, our “oasis” had patches of grass, and several trees. But the greenery was surrounded by chain linked fences. Unfortunately, it was look but don't touch. We had a uniformed, but unarmed, security force patrolling the grounds. One of the main duties was to keep the kids off of the grass. And since our favorite outdoor winter sports was playing tackle football on the grass (and snow, if we were lucky) the battle lines were clearly drawn. The guards were like a pride of hungry lions chasing poor their prey across the Serengeti. We usually got away, but once in a while one us would get caught. The captured prey would be whisked off to be detained in the guard house until our parents got home from work. Needless to say, there would be some kind of punishment, either spanking, grounding, or both. Luckily, I never got caught. In their defense, I think they were trying to keep our oasis as lush and green as they could in our concrete jungle. We didn't know. We were just kids! To be honest with you, it wasn't all bad. Or at least it didn't seem bad at the time. We did have a basketball court, although it was about half the size of a regulation full court. It had a couple of steel poles holding up the backboards. It was a miracle that no one got badly hurt by running into one of them. Oh, and I forgot to mention that the hoop was much higher than regulation. For anyone interested in baseball, options were seriously limited. The paved schoolyard across the street allowed us to play softball and sponge ball. Sponge ball was my favorite because it was the most like real baseball. The only difference was that the regulation-sized ball was made out of sponge rubber. Not to brag on myself, but I was very good! Playing real baseball, even on the sandlot level was nearly impossible. The nearest field was a quarter mile away at a small city park. That presented us with four major hurdles:
But all was not lost. The designers of our development created a weird little playground that only had monkey bars. No swings. No slides. No sandbox. Just the monkey bars. What was the message? There were some benches and a wall for Chinese handball. The area was fenced off to protect a small grassy area. In the middle was what seemed like a large vacant space. I don't know if that's where they wanted to put the slide, swings, and sandbox. Or maybe they ran out of funding. Who knows for sure. But if you leave it up to a bunch of really intelligent kids whose movements are greatly restricted, there's a chance that good things can result. And what we came up with changed our idea of fun forever. On the streets of New York City, kids all over would commandeer the streets and sidewalks of their neighborhoods to play stick ball and, my personal favorite, stoop ball! That was their recreation in the concrete jungle. In both games, they would use the streets as the field of play. For example, Home Plate would be this manhole cover. The blue sedan would be first base. The next manhole cove would be second. The white station wagon would be third base. And Home Plate is where we started from. Stoop ball was different only because the “batter” threw the pink rubber Spalding ball (pronounced “SPALDEEN”) against the stoop of the building we designated as Home Plate. Things were different in our little oasis. We didn't have the option of playing in the street. The odds that cars would stop or at least slow down to avoid us in my old neighborhood were slim and none. So, we had to improvise. And we made it work while having so much fun in the process. If the basketball court was crowded, we'd play Stoop Ball for hours, only to quit when the basketball court became available. When that happened, I'd play anyone who had a pulse. I ended up being one of the best to ever play the game, and I succeeded! I even elected myself to the imaginary Stoop Ball Hall of Fame! First ballot, no less! Then my next goal was being the best on my block at playing basketball. I was pretty good, but in truth, so was just about everyone else. For some reason, playing for hours on end on a court that was too small, on hoops that were too tall, prepared us for life in the real world. The real jungle, if you will. As you may know, New York is a large city with over 500 public high schools. Not to mention hundreds of private and parochial high schools thrown in for good measure. And back then, NYC was THE hot bed for college recruiters. Despite all of this, just about every guy who tried out for their high school team both made the team and was one of the stars of that team! That means that our fierce but friendly battles paid off, evidenced by the huge turnouts for Franklin Plaza Day! While I've said many of times that my housing development was an oasis, it was by no means paradise. All it took for me to realize that was when I visited my cousins in nearby Central New Jersey. Where there was plenty of green. One of my male cousins was an All-Star baseball player, while the other was a punter on his high school that won the state championship. He even had a slew of college recruiters checking him out! Another cousin was a track star! I wasn't jealous of them. I was so proud of them. But they did have a several advantages over my brother and me. One of them was their environment, particularly plenty on green grass, fresh air, and an encouraging environment. The other was that they were free to participate in those that for the most part took place on Saturday mornings. I've already talked your ear off about the resentment I held for Item 2, so I'll spare you all of that this time. What I will say is that I'm pleased that I broke the cycle and allowed my son to take part in all the healthy activities he wanted to take part in, without fear of facing hell and damnation for doing so! I'm looking out my window and I notice that the leaves have turned color and started to fall. I can't see my green grass. What I do see is a carpet of yellows, browns, reds, and oranges. This sight is another piece of proof that I made it out of my concrete jungle. As a practical matter, this landscape tells me that I have about a week to get my lawn guy over to mulch those leaves before the Homeowners' Association starts issuing threats of fines for lack of maintenance. I still don't know why some people take these things for granted. If I was still a kid and still living in Franklin Plaza, we would be finishing up our imaginary World Series of Stoop Ball! And in the imaginary Game 7, I would find myself hitting the game and series winning home run. And the imaginary crowd would go wild! My friends would then run off to practice for their East Harlem Biddies' basketball teams, a league where early hoops reputations are made, and legends are born. But because the games take place on Saturday mornings, and I had other places I HAD to be, this kid will have to sit it out. But that's okay because at least I'm in the Stoop Ball Hall of Fame. Not bad for a kid growing up in the concrete jungle with a vivid imagination! Today's Quote “Finding solitude in the concrete jungle is powerful and peaceful.” Mike Dolan – Pulitzer Prize Winning Author MM2S053: Season 4, Episode 5
By: Ken Boone We're officially in the home stretch, so I thought that now would be a good time to check in once again on my Resolutions for Calendar Year 2022. Now is also the time that I start thinking about my Resolutions for next year. But that can wait for a little while. Items 9, 10, and 11 on my list are the ones I want to talk about today. As I mentioned on previous episodes, those three fell by the wayside. Those weren't the only three casualties, but those were the ones that I would have bet money that I would complete! That's because they were music-related, which was something of a priority for both Celia and me for most of our lives. To refresh your memory, Item 9 had me committed to learning to play the drums. Ever since I got a set of drums when I was seven years old from my Uncle Daniel Boone (that was his real name), I had a weird attraction to that instrument. But after a number of noise complaints from members of my household, I stepped away from the drums. I think it was the beginning of a recurring pattern in my life of starting but not finishing a task. Item 10 had me practicing the guitar. I never was striving to be a virtuoso. I just wanted to be decent enough to lay down a basis rhythm parts that I hoped to record. Which brings us to Item 11, which had me recording Celia singing and playing tracks that I would post on her SoundCloud channel. Of all 15 items on my resolutions' list, I thought completing that would be an absolute no-brainer. Boy was I wrong! I gave up on those three items sometime in July 2022, barely halfway through the year! But it wasn't from a lack of trying. That was also around the that I first identified, then started listening to my authentic voice. And that voice let me know that I am really a consumer, and not a producer of music. And I'm totally okay with that! I embraced that part of the new, true me. To honest with you, and myself for that matter, I just don't have the desire to put in the work to get to where I think I should be. Maybe I don't have to raw talent. No problem. It's all good. I started scouring the depths of YouTube to find all the obscure songs of my past that, while not hits, were some of my favorites. It didn't matter if the genre was Gospel, R&B, Jazz, or even Pop, the tunes I searched for were like comfort food for my ears and soul! A strange trend started to emerge – most of the songs I gravitated to were recorded by artists who are no longer alive. Artists as diverse as Andrae' Crouch, Edwin and Walter Hawkins, Richard Tee, George Duke, Grover Washington, Jr., Prince, and even Michael Jackson, just to name a few. It started with simple transcribing, which is me playing along with the song. Whether it be on drums (sounded horrible), or guitar (sounded spastic), or keys and/or bass guitar (not bad, but not so good either). That didn't last too long, because I was more interested in what they had to say and less so of me being a wannabe star! As I just said, most of the artists I gravitated to are deceased. The reason why was quite obvious to me. In addition to them being amazing at what they did, except for the random lost masters here and there, the book on them is closed! I've also rediscovered my love for most things' sports! In previous episodes, I talked about what (and who) I don't like in the world of sports. There are a lot of things (and people) I do like. While some of my sports heroes have passed away, a number of them are still alive. A few of them are still playing, while most are in retirement. A number of them are enjoying the fruits of their labor in the form of successful business ventures and a slew of lucrative product endorsement deals. Others have found it difficult to cope with life out of the spotlight. Drug and alcohol addiction, relationship difficulties, legal issues, and financial challenges plague a good number of them. Needless to say, that the circumstances provide fodder for the hater cottage industry. People make good money posting “where are they now” videos on YouTube. I hate to admit that I am guilty of consuming too much of that click bait crap! History has a way of judging them, based on their works and the way they conducted their lives. Many of them have blemishes on their records that will be impossible to erase. And while true and horrible in many cases, some still pass my smell test. That's because I'm in no position to cast stones. There have been things said about me. Some true, others exaggerated, and most flat-out lies. But that's life lived among humans for you. I don't condone their behavior. If a misdeed was criminal in nature, justice must be served. If it was a civil wrong, sue the heck of of him or her. That's if they are guilty or liable. If a good team of lawyers gets them off, I hope karma settles the score. But when it comes to their life's work, I still cheer on that part of them. In music, if they plagiarized other people's material, then they can go to hell! And they should go their along with athletes who cheated by way of steroids, scuffed baseballs, and even taking three steps on a layup. Okay, the last one is a bit extreme, but you get my point! To recap, I'm not interested in making music any longer. It seems that the only music I listen to is from artists who have passed away. And a large number of them had dirt under their nails. In other words, they have sinned and fallen short... I'm rediscovering my love for sports. When it comes to shortcomings, same holds true for a lot of my favorite athletes. Many of them are tragic and flawed figures trying to just put one foot in front of the other. I still look up to them for what they've done on stage, in the studio, on the court, and on the playing field. Not for how they conducted themselves out of the limelight, for the most part. These people have brought joy in my life for most of my life for sharing their gifts with the world. Who am I to discard them if they are far from perfect human beings! Today's Quote “I think a hero is any person really intent on making this a better place for all people.” Maya Angelou |
About the HostKenneth E. Boone, Sr. is a writer, podcaster, music lover, sports enthusiast, and retired accountant. Archives
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